shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
