i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
