He disabled his match.com account in front of me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
