A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
