totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
