Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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