My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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