My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
