i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
