I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
