apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
