I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
