Tell her she can't have a vagina
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
