sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
