omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
