you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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