Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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