can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
