I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
