Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could make wine with my vomit
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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