I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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