i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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