I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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