That's when you crack a 10am beer
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
