Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
