and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I AM VODKA MAN
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
