According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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