why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
