I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
