Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
