dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
