He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
