gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
