Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
