i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
