you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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