It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
