Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
His nipple licking is glorious
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