you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
