I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
