I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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