I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
