When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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