My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
