I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
