Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
