We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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