halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
