he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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