When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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