it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
