I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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