I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
