i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
