So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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