so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
