I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
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duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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