maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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