I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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