im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
