God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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