Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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