I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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