I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
